You want a divorce.
How to tell your partner...
Curious
This week I read a post on LinkedIn which made me reflect on how people communicate the delivery of unwelcome news. The post raised the point that the new "No fault" divorce (in the UK) was a good thing for many couples. It had removed the compulsory blame cited when one partner petitioned for divorce, but it also removed the "why" for some spouses. The example cited was a long marriage where a husband had petitioned for divorce but refused to tell his wife the reason why. As a consequence she reluctantly found herself in the middle of a divorce without understanding why.
One comment suggested that "why" equalled blame, but I disagree. When "why" is delivered with kindness and compassion it can help the other partner to process the situation and start the healing process.
Inspired
"I want a divorce."
These words are dynamite and have the potential to blow your world apart.
There are two people on either side of the statement: The person who delivers the words and the person who receives the information. It seems an obvious statement, but I am not sure that we always consider the words or the impact that their delivery will have.
What if you are the partner who wants to leave?
The person who wants a divorce is often cast as the bad person. Society has a very polarised view of marriage. The expectations for each partner are set out and there is a duty to comply. Marriage is a very private space, and no one on the outside truly knows what occurs inside. Your reasons to want to leave are valid and you will not have made the decision lightly.
There are numerous reasons for difficulties to arise in relationships. Problems with communication are often at the heart of the issues.
The person who states “I want a divorce” has spent time with their thoughts and feelings. They have had time to process what they want and what they do not want. They have made up their mind. They have had time to decide how they want to act. They are ready to move on.
This automatically puts the other person on the back foot. They may have an inkling that something is not right, but it is often a complete shock when they are presented with the facts. The news unhinges everything that felt known, safe, and secure.
As humans we are wired to need to be part of a tribe. This is part of our survival instinct. If you were cast out, then you would not survive without the collective safety of the group.
Rejection and fear fire up an ancient part of our brain which wants to keep us safe. We need other humans to connect with, and there are studies that show loneliness has a significant impact on life expectancy. It is little wonder that we fear rejection and being alone.
If you are thinking that you might want to divorce from your partner, then I invite you to think about how you discuss this with them. You may be ready to move on, but they may have some catching up to do.
When news is a shock, it is much harder to process information. Without clear reasons and the ability to ask questions it is hard to make sense of what has happened. This may be a major reason that your partner finds it hard to accept the situation and start to move through the process of divorce.
I have written a blog post about sharing unwelcome news. It has 14 strategies to help you manage difficult conversations and tell your partner that you want a divorce.
If you think that you might struggle to discuss difficult subjects with your partner, then couples therapy might help you both. Even if the goal is not to mend the marriage, it may help you both to have a good divorce.
Accountable
My video series on emotions has continued to grow and you can find that here.
My reading list is growing. I am currently reading Quiet by Susan Cain which "shows how society misunderstands and undervalues introverts while giving them the tools to better understand themselves and take full advantage of their strengths." There are lots of great insights and I am sure that they will find their way into future weekly emails.
If you want to find out more about working with me please book a call.
It is a bank holiday weekend for us in the UK. I hope you are doing something fun!