Worried about an empty nest?
Don't worry, they will be back.
As A level results week approaches, we are about to enter the season of media articles about the horror of an empty nest. It is high on the list of mid-life traumas, and a major life change. I thought that I would get ahead of the game and offer a few words of comfort.
You see my husband and I have done this before. In fact, we are about to have an empty nest for the second time. Since 2016 we have gone from a household of 4 to 3 to 2 to 3 to 4 again. But by October we will be down to just us and the dogs. Our oldest is moving in with his girlfriend and our youngest is off to university again.
As with most things in life, previous experience tends to make things a bit easier the next time – but not always. When my 6-month-old son had his two-hour trial at nursery, in preparation for my return to work, I spent the whole-time walking around Birmingham City Centre sobbing. With son number 2, I was worried that I might not get all the things done, that I needed to do, in those 2 hours. I know that I sound like a heartless bitch, and I love them equally, but I knew that he and I would be fine. The benefit of experience.
For me dropping our oldest son off at university was far easier than waving him off to go travelling to South East Asia in his gap year. He was not the most organised at 19 and that was a worry for me. Yes, he lost his phone, yes, he ran out of money and yes, he had to come back from his trip early. For my anxiety levels, sending him off to university in the UK was a walk in the park in comparison.
Our youngest missed out on the opportunity to travel in his gap year courtesy of COVID and lockdowns. He did however go to study in Europe for 2 years. We took him over, hired a car, and did the usual Ikea student shop to kit him out. Moving him in to his student accommodation was tricky as he did not want anyone to know that he had parents; be prepared to be shunned. I found saying goodbye hard. It felt very odd leaving him in a different country and flying home. In this instance previous experience did not help at all. It was made worse by ongoing COVID travel restrictions and knowing that coming home for the weekend was not an easy option. I loved our subsequent Zoom calls.
Then we entered the coming and going years. Fridge full, fridge empty. Dirty laundry, clean laundry. Messy bedroom, messier bedroom. I decided that they were old enough to clean their own bedrooms long ago, and foolishly thought that they would not like coming home to a rank bedroom. I’m still waiting and fascinated to see if they ever move on from a floordrobe to a wardrobe.
As I approach an empty nest for the second time this is what I offer to you first timers:
Will you miss them? Yes, you will. There is no getting round that one. But there will be some things that you don’t miss, believe me.
Will you worry about them? Yes, you will. But they are far more capable than you think. Stuff will go wrong but they learn and get better at it. As will you.
Don’t panic immediately if they don’t return your messages. I have been close to calling out international rescue, but it transpired that he had simply left his phone charger at a friend's flat.
Go with your instincts. If you suspect something is wrong, ask them what is going on. I still remember keeping all my concerns to myself and not wanting to worry my parents when I left home. It was no different for our sons. Encourage them to access support if it is needed.
Try to make the leaving/drop off about them and not about you. They will feel excited and nervous of the unknown. I struggle to keep my emotions in check, but our sons know how hopeless I am and that I cry watching things like the Great British Sewing Bee. I just about managed to keep my tears for the journey home.
Make sure they have some basic life skills. Cooking, cleaning, and laundry will do for starters. I started mine young, but you still have a few weeks left to impart the necessary if they are clueless.
Intro week at university is expensive. I still remember discovering that the “hole in the wall” allowed a maximum of £50 to come out per week. I was panic stricken when it had all gone by day 3 (£50 went further in 1987) and I had already flagrantly disregarded my dad’s advice about budgeting. I did not dare phone home to ask for more money. Rescue came from a savvier girl on my floor, who showed me how to write a cheque and cash it at the off licence. Budgeting was a skill for another day.
Grieve for the change and then embrace the possibilities ahead of you. Now is the time to work out what you want your second act to be like. Parenting them doesn’t stop, it just shifts gear. Getting to know your adult children is wonderful.
Celebrate. I think that whole point of being a parent is to try your best to raise confident, content, kind human beings who are ready to fly when launch day comes. They do not come out with a guidebook, and you have done an amazing job to figure things out so far. And this is a “so far,” they still need you even though they don’t think that they do.
Take time to rediscover your relationships. This is relevant to everyone whether you are a single parent, couple or still have other children at home. Relationships and dynamics will change, and it can take time to adjust. This is also important when your “baby bird” comes back to the nest. All that newfound freedom and independence may not fit seamlessly back into your old family life. You will need to renegotiate boundaries and expectations. We had many conversations about empathy when the little darlings stumbled home in the early hours mid-week, and we had to go to work the next day.
As for me I am looking forward to not having to spend so much money keeping the fridge full. My washing machine is looking forward to having a few days off every week. My husband and I have planned a week away before they go, so that we can get used to being on our own again. Wish us luck!