One small thing - Losing your confidence is horrible. Here are some ideas to get it back.
Hello there,
Welcome to my newsletter “One small thing.” I am so pleased that you are here. I help busy, professional women to escape from frustrated, miserable and exhausted to living life and doing the work that matters most to you.
Wouldn’t it be great to feel full of confidence every day? To have the confidence that you look great, feel great, and that you are making all the right decisions in life. The reality for most of us is that we have days where we are suffused with confidence and other days when we would rather wither away and hide. This is something that I have experienced and is often made worse when I come down with a nasty case of “comparisonitis.”
I know it's not good for me and I try not to do it, but I simply cannot help myself. Humans are hard wired to compare ourselves to others. We need to fit in so that we are not left behind, or worse, risk being cast out. It’s a survival mechanism. Consequently, I’m a sucker for click bait articles like “10 must have white trainers for the summer” or “The 10 best haircuts for women over 50.” I need the knowledge even if I have no intention of buying new trainers or risking a new haircut. In fact, I have just pulled out my white Stan Smiths (must haves from a few summers ago) and decided that I can buff them up for another summer with some Fairy Liquid and Cif.
And then there is social media. I had no interest in social media until I started my coaching business and realised that marketing my business would require a social media presence. So, I dutifully signed up to several platforms. That is fine but the algorithms show me lots of posts by other coaches and it would take a saint not to do ANY comparing. It is so easy to get sucked into the vortex of scrolling and I hate that I do it. At least if it makes me grumpy, I have the cute dog videos to fall back on.
For many women confidence takes a nosedive in perimenopause and menopause. I noticed a big dip in my confidence in my 40s but did not associate it with perimenopause. When I was at medical school (a long time ago), we were not taught anything about it. Menopause was a definition in a textbook. Just a few sentences. I am not a GP or trained as a menopause specialist, so I was no wiser than the next woman about the enormous number of symptoms associated with the hormone changes in perimenopause. I just thought I was going a bit mad. Things that did not usually bother me were creating surges of unwelcome anxiety. My confidence at work wavered and I dreaded being in certain situations. Coupled with the lack of sleep and brain fog it was a toxic combination for my confidence. I was good at masking and hiding it, but the feelings were very real.
In the UK, 1 in 10 women leave their jobs in perimenopause and menopause. That is a disaster on so many levels, the loss of experience in the workplace and the financial impact on women and businesses to name but two. For me, HRT made a dramatic difference to how I felt, and it helped me to find my confidence again. I was lucky that I could both access and take it. It is not the same story for everyone.
There is also a lot of life stuff going on when you reach midlife. So many things change and it is very destabilising. You might be fully sandwiched between caring for children and aging parents. Or dealing with changes in relationships, losses of many kinds, health issues, empty nests...the list goes on. Professional women are good at getting stuff done and keeping the plates spinning, but it does not take much for the whole lot to come crashing down when your confidence is at an all-time low. It takes an awful lot of effort to put on a brave face and keep going. Many of us plod on feeling overwhelmed and burnt out.
At the risk of being shot down in flames, there are often confidence issues about how you look and present yourself to the world. Extra weight, changing shape and feeling frumpy. There, I said it and I don’t care if it makes me look shallow. I do care about those things. If you do not, then I am genuinely happy for you. When the styles you rocked so confidently in your 20s and 30s no longer look quite so fabulous, it is hard to know what to do. I recently invested in a style session and loved it. Now I know what suits me and how to use the clothes already in my wardrobe. I am currently busy selling mistake purchases on Vinted to (partially) fund my new capsule wardrobe of clothes that I really want to wear. I no longer have several changes of outfit before I go out and days where the only things that still fit well are my shoes.
What is really happening when you have lost your confidence?
That question should read:
What is really happening when you think you have lost your confidence?
The good news is that your confidence has not been lost, it is just temporarily misplaced. With a little bit of work, you will be able to locate it again.
When you are stressed, you cannot recognise yourself in your most confident state. Negative thoughts convince you that you will not be able to perform well or meet a challenge.
That negative self-talk makes you feel many different emotions such as fear, anxiety, or dread. Your brain tells you that you have lost your confidence.
What can you do about it?
Knowledge is power. If you think that you might be in perimenopause, find out as much as you can about how it might affect you. Book an appointment with your doctor to discuss symptoms and treatment options that will work for you. Everyone is different and there is not a one size fits all approach to managing menopause. Here are some resources that might help you:
https://thebms.org.uk/find-a-menopause-specialist/
https://www.balance-menopause.com/balance-app/
Your wellbeing is also important and ensuring that you have enough sleep, exercise regularly, a healthy diet and a good support network really helps lay the foundation for managing stress and improving your confidence.
Managing negative self-talk and changing your mindset will also help your confidence to return.
Here is a coaching exercise for you to try:
This short exercise will help you to create a positive example of you at your absolute best. It will help your brain to remember just how strong and powerful you are.
Re-create, in your mind, a time when you felt most confident. Really sit with the thoughts and feel what it was like. You might find it helpful to write it down.
What assumptions did you make about yourself?
What assumptions did you make about others?
What enabled you to feel confident?
Exactly how did you feel?
Sometimes it can be hard to think of a good example of when you felt most confident. If that happens to you, try this:
Think of a role model who inspires you.
Which of their qualities do you most admire?
Imagine yourself behaving like your role model.
What do you think you would be thinking or feeling?
Working through these questions will remind you of all the qualities that you have when you are feeling at your confident best. It will help you to override your negative self-talk with more helpful thoughts and change your confidence mindset. When you think differently about yourself, it will change how you feel about yourself. Then you will feel confident to take on the world again.
Confidence is a common topic in executive coaching sessions with my clients, so you are in good company. If you have misplaced your confidence, it does not have to be permanent. To find out more about how I can help you get your confidence back, you can book a free initial chat with me here.
Something else to read...
"I have a dream job and family, but I really want to write novels"
Philippa Perry
Prefer audio? Then check this out...
"Always a woman episode 1. The differences between men and women in leadership roles."
Podcast with Dianne Lowther and Wilma Allen
Coaching Prompt
"What can you let go of?"
It's time to take a critical look at your to do list. Does it all need to be done? Letting go of the less important things can free up some much needed headspace.
3 songs long
I chose 3 songs for the playlist because it lasts for 10 minutes (ish). That 10 minutes is the perfect length of time for you to either listen, relax, do an exercise snack, walk round the block, or do anything you fancy to music (go wild with your imagination). You can listen to my playlist or make one of your own.
That's it for this week. If you would like to explore how to take the next steps please check out my website to find out more about working with me. I have two places left for one to one coaching starting in June, and I would love to chat with you to see how I can help you to make a start on your next fabulous adventure.
Best wishes,
Lucinda x