One small thing: Five ideas that tell you it's time to make a change.
Hello there,
We went out to dinner a week ago with old friends. We worked out that we had not seen their other guests for 15 years. 15 years! Where did the time go? Our kids were little back then but now they are all blokes.
When you are in your 20s and 30s, it feels like there is so much time ahead. There are choices to make, things to learn, mistakes to make and time to grow up. We often fall into roles without too much thought and before we know where we are, years have gone by and here we are.
I found myself in my early 40s feeling exhausted, frustrated, fed up and without a clear idea of who I was or what I wanted any more. I felt like I had boxed myself into my career and life. I was stuck behind my responsibilities to an ever increasing queue of people and things that I thought I should be doing to be a success. By being a success, I mean being perfect. I wanted to be a perfect homemaker, wife, mum, daughter, sister, friend, and doctor. It was exhausting being a good girl and living up to my very high standards.
I knew that I was not happy but had no idea what to do about it. I thought that it was not possible to change anything at this "late" stage. I had known for a while that I was not happy at work but I had invested so much time, effort, blood, sweat and tears into getting to be a consultant anaesthetist that it felt like madness to want to leave. In hindsight, I was not ready to leave at that point but I was ready to make some changes. I made a series of small changes over the next five years before I felt ready to completely overhaul how I worked.
Sometimes you have no choice with change, and it is out of your control, such as the loss of a relationship or redundancy. But it's important to know that change does not always have to mean drastic. Small changes really can add up and have a huge impact on how you feel.
How do you know when it is time to shake things up?
Here are five ideas to help you work out when and how to make a start:
Tapping into your feelings is a great place to start. You tend to get a gut feeling when something does not feel right, and it is a good idea not to ignore it. When life gets tough, it's common to put your head down and keep going, but looking up every now and then is a good thing. A shift in how you think about situations can have a considerable impact on how you feel. I recorded a short series of videos on emotions which ​you can access here.​
It can help to think of time in a different way. We tend to underestimate how much time we have left in midlife and over estimate it when we are much older. I was fixed on the idea that I had left it too late to make a change in my career and then I gave that thought a reframe. Both of my grandmas lived into their 90s, so when I was 45 I decided that I was only half way done. I had spent 22 years in my career as an anaesthetist, if I planned to retire at 65 that meant I had nearly the same length of time to have a different career.
Turn your "shoulds" into "coulds." The word "should" has so much shame and guilt attached to it. It also has the power to fill you to the brim with resentment. The word "could," however, is full of possibility. It gives you a choice and that allows you to take back your power. It takes practice to say no to things but it is the first step to setting boundaries that will keep you sane. This will buy you time and the ability to think more about what you would like your life to be like.
Reassess your roles. I made my life harder by trying to be in control all the time. That is a classic perfectionist trait. Learning to let go of some things and accepting that good enough is simply fine was a game changer for me. If you have been doing the bulk of the doing and caring at home, can you think of ways to make subtle changes to take some of the pressure off you? Do the same at work, can you think of roles to let go of or can you delegate more to others?
Think about what holds you back. We often have self limiting beliefs lurking in the shadows. If you are prone to starting sentences with "I'm just a ..." then please stop right now. I have written about ​transferrable skills here​ and rest assured that you have many.
The pathway to change is never a straight line and it is not always easy, but it is so worth taking a chance. It is also never too late to start. Have a listen to the podcast linked below: Lyn Slater is on her latest redo at the age of 70.
Something else to read...
"‘She’s my sacred other’: is friendship, not romance, the key to a happy and fulfilled life?"
Anita Chaudhuri
Prefer audio? Then check this out...
"Lyn Slater (aka Accidental Icon) on writing a new narrative for ageing"
Sam Baker with Lyn Slater
Coaching Prompt
"When will you know that you have done it?"
Deciding on an outcome will make it easier to reach your goals. Think about how you will feel, and what will you see and hear?
3 songs long
I chose 3 songs for the playlist because it lasts for 10 minutes (ish). That 10 minutes is the perfect length of time for you to either listen, relax, do an exercise snack, walk round the block, or do anything you fancy to music (go wild with your imagination). You can listen to my playlist or make one of your own.
That's it for this week. If you would like to explore how to take the next steps please ​check out my website​ to find out more about working with me. ​I would love to chat with you​ to see how I can help you to make a start on your next fabulous adventure.
Love from,
Lucinda x