How to answer questions, that make you squirm, truthfully and with style.
I have been thinking about how and why we respond to questions that used to make me cringe:
“What are you most proud of?”
“Who are you?”
They are both questions that come up in coaching sessions and interviews. I always had an answer prepared but I never told the truth. I was inspired to think about the reason for my shady answers of old when I read a reply to a post on Instagram last week. The post was a clip of an interview with Kate Winslet, on BBC Women’s hour. The quote from Kate:
“We become more woman, more powerful, more sexy in our 40s’”
This was the reply, in the comments, that caught my eye:
“I think this may be true if you are a successful woman living a life which fulfils your potential and your expectations: but for many of us middle age just shows how much we’ve failed to achieve. We feel less powerful than ever. (Sorry to bring the mood down people...)”
I was struck by two things; first, a sense of sorrow that this woman could not recognise any achievements of note and second, that she felt her power was rooted in her current definition of a successful life. I say current definition because success means many things to different people and at various times. My thoughts around success are different now when compared to my 30s. This is due to a lot of self-coaching and personal growth in the intervening years.
It made me wonder how high she had set her bar for success, and I felt an undercurrent of regret in her tone.
Why do you minimise or fail to recognise your achievements?
Women have a great deal of talent in the “let me minimise my achievements” area of our lives. I have advanced skills. The word “just” featured heavily in my description of myself. Do any of these statements resonate with you?
I was just doing my job.
I am just a (insert title)
Someone says: “Wow you did (amazing thing),” and you reply “It was nothing really, I just did …”
Women are far more likely to attribute success to external factors rather than it coming from their innate ability. We are also more likely to internalise failure and blame ourselves for what has happened.
How do you define success?
The dictionary definition is “the achieving of results that were wanted or hoped for.” This definition has goal setting at its core. Some of you will thrive on setting goals and others will prefer to take a different approach to life.
In his book Atomic habits, James Clear recommends changing your systems through adopting new habits. He states that “Habits are the compound interest of self-improvement.” This might look like: “I want to learn 5 new words in French every day” instead of “My goal is to master the French language in a year.” Starting small, making it a habit, and finding ways to make it easy are key to this approach. If you find goal setting difficult then this approach might suit you better.
I have gone through my life setting goals, working towards, and trying to achieve them. My definition of success was to attain my goals, which came from values instilled into me at an early age. Work hard, try your best, and you can do whatever you want to do.
There have been plenty of fails along the way, and yes, I have wanted to give up at times, but I kept going. Failure and the threat of can’t do make me more determined to show up and prove that I “bloody well” CAN do.
I have reflected that my pattern of behaviour also set me up to minimise my achievements. I completed the goal, ticked another thing off my list and then moved onto the next important thing. I tended to minimise the thing that I had previously achieved, because I had something new and shiny to focus on. There were always bigger hoops to jump through.
Does achievement equate to happiness?
Not necessarily, is my answer to that question. Throughout, my 20s and 30s, I was on a constant quest to feel happy; “I will be happy when I have achieved ...”
An achievement led to a dopamine hit, that lasted for a short while, but then I was on to the next one. I bought into society’s lie that it is normal to feel happy all the time. I could not understand why the happy feeling, that I associated with achievement, only lasted for a brief time. This meant that for me, achieving became like an addictive drug.
When I realised that all my emotions were valid, and that it was normal to feel sad or neutral too, I was able to bask a little longer in the glow of achievement. I knew that my emotions would wax and wane, but that taking on and achieving another major task was not always the answer to feeling happy. In fact, the task often had the potential to do the exact opposite.
How high do you set the bar for recognising achievement?
I like to call myself a recovering perfectionist. Perfectionists tend to have extremely ambitious standards and are prone to make things harder than they need to be. I have a friend who says that I cannot try anything new without getting an -ology in it. She has a valid point, and my bookshelves bear this out (there are books on cooking, gardening, knitting, sewing, lettering, mixed media, interior design, bullet journalling...and that is just the creative stuff). I get frustrated when I cannot do “the thing” as well as the expert in the book, and then I am hard on myself when I don’t measure up.
For a perfectionist success can be hard to attain and “good enough” is a difficult concept to grasp. All or nothing thinking can rear its head too. This is when you think that only perfect is acceptable and anything less negates everything that has gone before; “I messed up today so I may as well give up.” Most roads to success are not linear and progress often stalls. Setbacks are common and do not equate to failure.
Then there is the comparison trap. You are surrounded by success stories, images of perfection, and the promise of a quick fix for your problem on social media. Sometimes the stories and posts do a marvellous job of spurring you into action. However, maintaining the commitment to reach the goal is harder than it looks, and it is easy to get disheartened and give up.
Framing what success will look and feel like can be helpful. It can also help you to see how far you have come and celebrate the mini successes along the way.
Can you use regret to your advantage?
I am not a fan of the term midlife crisis, but it does describe the sense of urgency and regret at the realisation you have eased past the stage of being a bright, young thing. Thoughts can creep in like: “It’s too late to start, it’s too late to change now, or I wish I had not made that choice.”
We have all been there.
In his book “The power of regret,” Daniel Pink describes the four core regrets that make us human:
Foundation regrets (Education, finances, health)
Boldness regrets (The chances that we didn’t take)
Moral regrets (We behave poorly and compromise belief in our own goodness)
Connection regrets (Fractured or unrealised relationships leading to a feeling of loss)
He states:
“The four core regrets operate as a photographic negative of the good life. If we know what people regret the most, we can reverse that image to reveal what they value the most.”
That is so powerful. Knowing what your values are is vital to working out who you are and what you want to do next. His book is well worth reading and has a framework for how you can disclose your regret, reframe it, and then learn how to use the regret to inform your subsequent decisions. If you are short on time for reading, Brené Brown interviews Daniel Pink about his book in this episode of her Dare to Lead podcast.
I decided when I was 46, that if I lived into my 90s (like both my grandmas) then I was only halfway done. That helped me to grieve for the bright, young thing years and jump into my second half filled with exciting possibilities. I have experience, wisdom, and time to decide who I want to be. I can use my regrets for a powerful new story board to take me forwards.
What are you most proud of?
I have aways hated being asked that question. It left me feeling “icky” and awkward. I used to answer with what I thought they wanted to hear. I never had a satisfactory answer because I thought that pride was a feeling reserved for others. It was my job to make others proud or be proud of them.
In her book Atlas of the Heart, Brené Brown explains the difference between Pride, Hubris, and Humility:
“Pride is a feeling of pleasure or celebration related to our accomplishments or efforts.
Hubris is an inflated sense of one’s innate abilities, that is tied more to the need for dominance than to actual accomplishments.
Humility is openness to new learning combined with a balanced and accurate assessment of our contributions, including our strengths, imperfections, and opportunities for growth.”
She goes on to say: “Pride can be good for us, hubris is dangerous, and humility is key to grounded confidence and healthy relationships.”
Downplaying your achievements is modesty, and that is where many of you get caught out when you think about pride. You don’t want to be seen as boastful or behaving with hubris. It is helpful to understand that pride can be good for you, and I can now produce a list of things that I am proud of (without wanting to vomit!). I have banned the use of the word “just” when I describe myself and what I do, and I have also learnt how to accept and believe compliments with grace.
What about the things you did not achieve?
It is common to answer the question “Who are you?” with your name and what you do. But you are so much more than that. When you think of your story, most of you will provide edited highlights but it is not only the highlights that have shaped who you are. Every set back and perceived failure teaches you something new and you discover an inner strength, that you had no idea was there. Overcoming adversity IS an achievement that you often overlook.
The next time that you consider who you are and what you want to do, make room for all of you. Not only the achievements, that you think you should value, but the things that have not gone to plan too. Changing the language that you use to describe things can also be helpful. I think terms like “failed marriage”, “career suicide”, and “empty nester” are filled to the brim with negativity. Putting a positive spin on the phrases can turn all three into exciting opportunities.
I am with Kate Winslet, and I agree that we become more woman and more powerful in our 40s and beyond. But we need to remind ourselves of our back story, be proud of what we have experienced, and recognise what is within our power to change.
That is sexy.
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