How can I be happy again after heartbreak and divorce?
When positivity becomes toxic.
Curious
I have had a great weekend. I met up with a group of friends and we packed in a lot into 24 hours in London. We have not seen each other as a group in real life for long time. Lots of news to catch up on, some serious, some sad and some utterly hilarious. The passage of time made no difference, and we picked up exactly where we had left off. For me, that is one of the true markers of friendship. No hidden agendas and no expectations. I left London exhausted but with happy memories, a full heart, and a phone full of obligatory selfies.
What do I mean by “A full heart?”
I used the term “a full heart” to describe how I felt when I said goodbye to my friends. I was happy to have experienced our friendship, filled with joy at the laughter we shared, regretful for the brief time we had together, and sad at our parting of ways. My heart was full of positive, negative, and neutral emotions. All of them valid and all of them completely normal.
I have been thinking and speaking about emotions a lot in August, and I have recorded a series of videos, which you can find here.
We have been conditioned by society, culture, and the media to think that we should constantly strive to feel positive. We have been encouraged to think that happy is the “normal” state to be in 24/7 and that anything else is somehow abnormal.
I am not suggesting that feeling positive and wanting to be happy is a terrible thing but instead make the point that it can become a toxic pursuit. Failing to achieve a state of constant happiness has a negative impact on how we think and subsequently how we feel. We can inadvertently set up a negative feedback loop, that makes us feel steadily worse over time.
I have written a blog post, that explores this in more detail here.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy focuses on how a person’s thoughts impact their emotions, and reactions to events. It is a proven treatment in clinical trials for depression and other clinical disorders.
The theory can be extremely helpful in coaching. Thoughts and emotions can act as powerful blockers to forward movement in life and at work. Cognitive behavioural coaching has been shown to enhance goal striving, wellbeing, hope, resilience, emotional management, and reduces self-handicapping thoughts.
Heartbreak and divorce illicit powerful emotions which can be terrifying to experience. It is common to push unpleasant feelings away or to substitute something else in their place to feel better.
We commonly use words to express the concept such as “numb the pain,” even though we are not always aware that we are doing the behaviour.
Common buffers include eating too much, using alcohol or drugs, exercising more than normal, working too hard, avoiding situations/people etc. You might have familiar buffers in your life. Mine are working hard and eating chocolate.
Fear and pain are the two main blockers that stop you moving forwards from heartbreak and divorce. Behind those two blockers can be many more emotions such as: anger, anxiety, shame, guilt, vulnerability, stress, dread, resentment, jealousy, envy, regret, disappointment, frustration, sadness, grief, anguish, despair, humiliation, embarrassment, insecurity, loneliness, invisibility, contempt, disgust.
If this extensive list of emotions surprises you, do not be alarmed. Brené Brown’s research has found that most people can only name 3 emotions (happy, sad, and angry). Her book Atlas of the Heart covers 87. I have included this book in my reading list.
Learning to recognise emotions and how they feel in your body, is a skill. With practice it is possible to investigate the thoughts that are generating your feelings. With self-compassion and gentle interrogation, it is possible to explore the truth behind your thoughts.
That is the key to changing how you react to situations and how to change your actions. It is how you will move forwards and getting to the life you want to lead.
The list above does not include any of the emotions that make you feel good. Learning how to explore the negative emotions also means that you will get good at recognising the positive ones too. You will be better placed to seek out the things that make you feel good about yourself.
You cannot control how your Ex behaves but you can control how you think, feel, and behave in response.
You will not feel happy all the time and you will still have dark days, but you will learn to embrace all your feelings with curiosity and compassion. You will find balance between positive, negative, and neutral. Your heart will be full.
If you want a deeper dive into this topic, I have a great reading list here.
Inspired
Robert Frost wrote in a letter, dated January 1, 1916, to writer and critic Louis Untermeyer:
“A poem begins with a lump in the throat; a homesickness or a lovesickness. It is a reaching-out toward expression; an effort to find fulfilment. A complete poem is one where an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words.”
I think that is beautiful statement. It describes the physical feeling of an emotion and how you can find the thought to go with it. It also describes the importance of emotions and their impact on creativity.
Accountable
What do you want to do next week?
It is September and that always gives me a back-to-school vibe. I feel like September is a new beginning and I will be metaphorically sharpening my pencils, buying a new pencil case, and starting a new notebook. I used to feel a mixture of anxiety and excitement when I went back to school, and I am excited for what comes next.
Watch this space...
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Have a great weekend!