Does an affair always mean that your marriage is over?
Curious
I am curious to know what you think about extramarital affairs?
Do you have a binary response? Right or wrong.
Do you think it is a symptom of a problem in a marriage? A problem that might be fixed.
Does it mean that divorce should always follow?
Are there any circumstances when an affair might be acceptable?
I had a firm view in my mind of what I thought was right and wrong and how a person should respond if they have been cheated on. My view was a product of societal expectations and my values and beliefs around marriage. There was little room for manoeuvre.
When I read Esther Perel’s book, “The state of affairs,” she challenged my perception and answers to those questions. This is from the introduction to the book:
“The conversation about affairs today tends to be divisive, judgmental, and shortsighted. As a culture, we are ever more open about sex, but infidelity remains shrouded in a cloud of shame and secrecy. I hope this book will help to lift that silence and launch a new way of thinking and talking about one of our most ancient ways of being. Much has been written about prevention and recovery; much less about the meanings and motives of affairs. Even less has been said about what we can learn from them and how it might inform and transform our relationships.
Some people will dismiss these as irrelevancies. Only the facts matter, they tell me. The plane is down; grab the survivors and run. But more and more people come to me because they want to know what happened, why it crashed, and whether it could have been prevented. They want to understand it, learn from it, and fly again. For all of these people, I would like to start the conversation where it usually stops and tackle some of the more unsettling questions that infidelity raises.”
Esther Perel
Her book helped me to see that the answers are not always clear cut, and the view held by society is not always correct for the people in the relationship. It is easy to be judgemental and much harder to be open to alternative views.
“Once divorce carried all the stigma. Now, choosing to stay when you can leave is the new shame.”
Esther Perel
The ability to hold a different perspective, may help to salvage your relationship and I like her concept of the possibility of a second marriage to the same person.
It is important to know that an affair does not automatically mean a divorce will follow. BUT there is a lot of work to be done on both sides if the relationship is to be salvaged. There are many couples who are happily on their second marriage to each other!
If an affair does mark the end of a marriage the person who is left behind does not always get the answers to “why.” This can make it incredibly hard to move forwards. Esther describes 3 stages following a divorce: crisis, meaning making, and visioning. Working with a coach will help you to work through the stages if you are feeling stuck.
Her book is well worth reading and a valuable insight into how modern relationships work.
Inspired
My inspiration this week came from a podcast. I really enjoy listening to “How to fail” by Elizabeth Day. I thoroughly recommend listening to this episode with her guest Vanessa Felz. One of her chosen “fails” is her marriage.
Her account of the breakdown of her marriage is open, heartfelt, and honest. It is also a frank insight into how it feels to find out about infidelity and the shock departure of your partner. Vanessa also alluded to the physical feeling, that she experienced when she felt heartbroken. So many of you will be able to relate to her story.
Eva Wiseman describes the Japanese diagnosis of Takatsugu Cardiomyopathy or “broken heart syndrome,” in her article “Clinically awful”: why the pain of a broken heart is real. The article explores why it has taken so long for scientists to investigate the end of love, when so much work has been done on the beginning.
Accountable
What are you going to commit to doing this week?
My boss (me) can be a very hard taskmaster and I plan to have a chat with her about my job plan. I have decided to work on giving myself some permission slips to change how I work. More self-compassion is needed, and I am experimenting with a few ideas. Standby for an update in a few weeks.
What will you give yourself a permission slip to do (or not to do) this week?
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Have a great weekend!