Do you always follow the rules?
Or are you a rebel?
I (generally) follow rules. As a people pleasing perfectionist, rule following is wired into how I operate. If the instructions state to arrive 3 hours before a flight, then I am there a little before that. It drives my husband mad.
When I was growing up, being a good girl ensured attention, praise, and love. Working hard and following the rules led to success and good things. It was a winning strategy for a long time, until I decided it was time to bend a few rules and try out being more of a rebel.
Most of the time rules make complete sense and in following them we work for the greater good and best outcomes for all. But sometimes “the rules” harm us. Even when we know this, it can be hard for rule followers to stop and do something different.
What are “the rules” and where do they come from?
The Cambridge dictionary defines a rule as:
“an accepted principle or instruction that states the way things are or should be done and tells you what you are allowed or are not allowed to do.”
We all know that there are big rules and laws that set our moral code in society. We can look up the rules and regulations and understand that if we break them, we can expect to suffer the consequences.
But what of the “other” rules?
The medium sized rules set by institutions, corporations, and organisations. These are the rules that help to keep us safe, keep things moving, and provide benefit for all in varying degrees of worth. But they are also the rules that can constrain, prevent change, frustrate, demotivate, prevent growth, and foster discontent. It can be hard to disagree and advocate for change when the power dynamic is not in your favour or your voice is silenced. You may lose out if you do not conform.
Then there are the small sized rules. The ones that we set for ourselves in our everyday lives. Some of the rules are policed by others and some belong only to us. These can be the most damaging rules of all.
What is written in your rule book?
We all have a rule book for life, that is a product of our values and beliefs. I have written more about values here. When we are children, we follow our parent’s rules. As we develop into young adults and gain independence our influences broaden and our values can change. This is at the heart of many teenage disagreements about rules and slamming of doors! Eventually we become independent adults and set our own rules, but there can be fragments of other people’s values and old rules lurking in the shadows waiting to cause us trouble.
There are many coaching tools available to help you work out what your values are. I like using Brené Brown’s values exercise and enjoyed listening to her accompanying podcast on using the exercise. It is extremely important to know what your values are so that you can live your life in a way that is authentic to you. When you work that out, you will feel comfortable making decisions that suit you and your values not those of someone else. It becomes easier to regard NO as a complete sentence!
We set our rules and often follow them even when they cause us stress. Failing to follow the rules leads to bullying, negative self-talk, and self-limiting beliefs. I have been pondering this as I reflected on my working week (or lack of) when I had COVID recently. I could not work. I felt ill. I cancelled face to face work and my cotton wool brain was not up to working from home. I let deadlines slip and felt bad about letting people down. I am good at practicing compassion and empathy for others but not so good at practicing it for myself.
When I worked as a doctor in the NHS, I was a slave to the organisation, my department, and my on-call rota. I worked hard on the days that I was expected to be there, and worked equally hard on the days I set aside for supporting professional activities. I worked over and above what was expected, although in truth that was what was expected.
Now I work for myself. Running a business is hard and this is especially true when you are doing all the roles from admin to marketing to CEO. I have realised that I am quite the tyrant to work for and have little regard for employee welfare (you will be relieved to hear that my company only employs me). I expect long hours with very few breaks, I expect complete focus, I expect the job to come first, I expect excellence, and my standards are extremely high.
I have brought my values and beliefs about what work should look and feel like from my old job to my new business. Even though one of my big drivers for change is work life balance, my old values and beliefs are so entrenched in my psyche that I am finding it hard to rewrite my own rules.
How to set new boundaries
Rewriting rules is another term for setting boundaries. This is the next key step to take after you define your values. A word of caution here, be prepared for resistance. I have encountered resistance from others, who do not like it when you no longer wish to follow their rules. You will be called bossy, difficult, unreasonable, and selfish. This can be difficult to hear, especially when it is untrue. I have also encountered resistance from myself. You will call yourself many things, that are also untrue.
One of the things that helps me when I resist my own boundaries, is to test:
What happens if I say no or do less?
The answer is usually nothing or I will be more productive the next day.
I am experimenting with other things too:
I have set customer expectations by using automated emails.
I switch off my work phone on days off.
I plan my diary and try to stick to it.
I try to stop myself being busy for the sake of being busy.
I allow myself time for thinking and reflection.
I am getting better at mindfulness.
I am building new networks.
I make time for a social life, even if it is just connecting on WhatsApp some days.
I drink a lot of tea.
Most of the time it is my hypercritical inner voice who is at the root of the problem. She is a real bully. When I allow my sensible, compassionate self to be in charge, she is far more likely to give out permission slips for wellbeing and help me to remain inside my boundaries.
I am learning how to get the balance right and I am still a work in progress.
My invitation to you is to join me and practice being a rebel:
Dust off your rule book and decide which rules can be broken or cancelled.
Next have a go at a values exercise so that you can identify your 2 main values. They will underscore how you want to live your life now. Remember your values are allowed to change over time, so it is important to revisit this exercise periodically.
Define your boundaries and practice communicating them to others.
This is an effective way to evaluate what you want to change in your life. It is a great starting point for working out where you are now and where you would like your life to be.
If you would like to work on this in greater depth, please get in touch to find out more about working with me.
Let me know in the comments how you get on.
Thanks for reminding us to not always follow 'the rules'... disregarding them is often the most sensible option.