20 ideas for a good enough Christmas from a recovering perfectionist
I know, that for some of you, it is still far too early for the C word. For a recovering perfectionist, like me, I am proud that I have managed to leave it this late. In years gone by, I would have been up to my eyeballs in it for weeks by now.
For years I have had a love/hate relationship with Christmas.
I love the idea of it, but the reality can be more like a resentment filled tin of Quality Streets.
Ideas and inspiration for the perfect celebration are everywhere from October onwards and I was a sucker for all of it. Glossy magazines with images of the perfect Christmas on the cover, and alluring titles for how to make the festive season stress free. TV programmes with new recipes, cosy images of perfection, and crafty makes. The perfect last-minute idea to add some festive sparkle. It all looks so beautifully, Christmas card perfect.
My levels of perfectionism meant that I tended to make things harder than they needed to be. Why buy things when you can make them (better) yourself?
Christmas cards, advent calendars, Christmas crackers with personal gifts, hand-knitted tree decorations, Christmas cake, mince pies, hand printed wrapping paper, personalised Santa present sacks, and handmade gifts are just some of things that I did on top of working, being a mum, and managing the usual household activities.
This is a noble and satisfying pursuit when done in small doses, but when done on a grand scale it is bonkers. I do have insight now, I promise.
Mummy elf sourced, bought, and wrapped everything. Nothing left to chance, and nothing delegated. The very thought of anything done “last minute” made the acid surge in my stomach. No Christmas Eve last minute shopping for me, I was going to be busy attacking the extensive food prep “to do list” and wrangling excited boys (This is when my husband traditionally does his Christmas shopping).
And then in 2008, Nigella did this to me:
“Nigella Christmas comprises reliable, practical, easy-to-follow recipes and inspiring and reassuring advice, presented in a gorgeous package that will make this the ultimate gift to yourself, your family and friends.
Nigella Christmas will surely become an all-time perennial favourite, the book we will all reach for – for minimum stress and maximum enjoyment – at holiday season.”
And yes, I brined the Kelly Bronze Turkey that year, panicked about keeping “Spanish hours,” and followed her self-confessed “brutal schedule” for Christmas day which started at 10:00 and ended at 15:30. The offers of help from my family caused me more stress, I wanted everyone to leave me alone in the kitchen, and when the meal was finally served it tasted like ashes in my mouth. Everyone else loved it. Job done.
But not quite. There was more to come. It is the one time of year when everyone decides that they need to see each other. There is more meal planning, shopping, bed changing, towel washing, and cleaning rammed into the two-week period from just before Christmas and up to New Year, than in the other 50 weeks of the year that are available for socialising. Why do we do this???
Going to work felt like a rest.
I put so much pressure on to myself to deliver the perfect experience for everyone else that I neglected to cater for any of my own needs. Sound familiar?
The ghost of Christmas past
When I was a little girl, I loved Christmas. It was one of the most exciting times of the year. Everything happened “magically,” all according to rituals long in the making and reassuring in their familiarity. It all seemed perfect. I know now that it was my childlike perception and not the reality of the demanding work involved. My mum did not have a job outside the family home, but as I have written about before, I am from the generation that believed we could have it all – and I really tried.
When I became a mum, I wanted the magic to be the same for my own children. I wanted it to be as perfect for them as the little girl experience that I held so dear. I became so good at doing it all, that everyone thought that I was a Domestic Goddess (and yes, I have that book too). I did not want to fail.
The reality was that after all the preparation and delivery of the big day, that I was an exhausted, grumpy, and stressed working mum who just wanted to sit on the sofa, ignore everyone else, read my new books, watch TV, and eat chocolates. Not cook another bloody casserole and keep on smiling.
How did I change?
The turning point came as I coached myself through other changes in my life. I changed my career and became better at saying what I wanted. I told my husband how the stress made me feel and learnt to stop people pleasing (slowly). The photo of the posh turkey gravy was the result of a conversation that I had with my friend in 2017. It was a conversation about giving myself permission to do things my way, with new boundaries, and marked the start of some new “rituals.” 2017 was dubbed the “ready meal Christmas” and met with jokey disapproval by some. You see new boundaries are often met with resistance. I, however, enjoyed every mouthful of the pre-prepared vegetables and posh turkey gravy. My levels of exhaustion and resentment were noticeably lower.
Then a few years later we experienced a complete sea change in how Christmas and many other notable events were observed. The COVID 19 pandemic made our worlds far smaller, and we had to learn how to do things online. Christmas by Zoom marked my last Christmas with my dad. So many of us have empty seats at our tables and new ways to muddle through celebrations. Perfection can never be the same again.
20 ideas for a stress less Christmas
Christmas has become less about my military-style operation of perfection and control, and more about how we as a family can all muck in and enjoy it.
Here are my practical tips to surviving Christmas as a recovering perfectionist:
Do not look at or buy any magazines claiming that their recipe for festive cauliflower cheese will change your life, or that the feature on making Christmas “stress free” will help you. You will look at the rest of the features in the magazine and start telling yourself that you can do more.
Restrain your Christmas viewing. If you watch “handmade crafty Christmas” programmes you will be tempted to make something. I know that you can, but you do not have to.
If you are tempted to watch any Christmas cookery programmes, remember that they were filmed in summer and the presenter had an army of helpers. Practice beforehand if you must try something new (see 17).
Use Christmas recipe books with caution. I am talking about chutney, flavoured vinegars, and delicious edible gifts. They all take time to make, and most people have no concept of this. Some people also have a deep suspicion of handmade gifts, so choose your recipients wisely.
Have a family meeting in November and decide what you want to cook and eat. It is easier having grown up sons, who like to cook! But seriously, even if you have younger children, think about what you really like and what you can do without. Several years ago, I stopped baking a Christmas cake in October half term, so I no longer have a calorie laden fruit cake goading me to eat it up in January.
Give yourself a permission slip to buy as much pre-prepared food as you find helpful.
Do not panic if you have missed the supermarket delivery slots. I have experienced the horror of a “smug” delivery only to have useless substitutions or missing items. Now I keep an eye on use by dates (and offers) in the run up to the bank holidays and buy accordingly. No need to go to the supermarket on Christmas Eve, but also it’s not a disaster if you do.
Find ways to ditch some of the tasks you do not enjoy. I am working on Christmas card alternatives this year.
View your time as a gift. Your visitors are coming to spend time with you. They are not coming to check how clean your house is or have a Michelin star dining experience. I also make sure that I do not host visitors back-to-back anymore.
Make sure that you gift some of your time to yourself.
Mix things up. That can be helpful if you want to stop a ritual that you no longer enjoy. You do not have to host a party, see the same relatives on the same day, or eat traditional Christmas food every year.
Choose which parts of Christmas that you enjoy and really relish them. By not doing everything, you will have more time to do what you want instead of what you think you should.
Delegate and do not micromanage. This is hard but gets easier with practice. It frees you up to do more of number 10.
Spend some time outside. Just 20 minutes outside lowers your stress levels.
If you are an introvert, make sure that you recharge your socialising battery regularly. You do not have to join in with every activity, if you need to switch off for a while.
Remember that NO is a complete sentence. You do not have to provide an excuse.
Laugh about the things that go wrong. A favourite childhood memory is the year that my mum set fire to the turkey. She tried a new way of cooking it, as seen in the newspaper, coated in butter, and wrapped in a cloth. The gas cooker set fire to it and our barking dog saved the day...(see 1 and 3).
Make use of the weekends before and after the main holiday. There is not a rule that states you must see everyone you know in two weeks. Extra invitations may add stress to everyone involved, because you must do the entertaining and your visitors may find it hard to say no.
Gifts. This is a tricky one. We have tried let’s not do presents this year, only to receive rogue gifts. If that happens, let the other person have the joy of giving without you feeling bad if you stick to your side of the bargain. You cannot control what others do, but you can control how you respond.
DO NOT try to implement all 20 points on this list. I am a work in progress, and you are too.
Finally, remember to have a “good enough” Christmas.
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